October 25, 2004
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MONDAY BOOK
How We Die
Sherwin B. NulandWell, one glance at this topic and most xangans will probably skip merrily on to the next blog on their daily route, but in keeping with the book Grace and Grit I’ve been reading lately about a death from breast cancer and yesterday’s blog from brendaclews about death from the perspective of a funeral home, I thought I would share a few paragraphs from one of the few books I actually own on this subject. I bought the book years ago after two of my female relatives, my mother and an aunt, died, both essentially from stroke. I had spent time at their bedsides observing the process in people so close to me, and it was a truly devastating experience. I wanted to understand better what I’d seen happening in front of my eyes. This book describes the details of how it is to die from some of the most significant causes today and you’ve probably had at least someone in your own family die from one of them in your lifetime with more to come. They are: heart attack, alzheimer’s, AIDS, cancer, “old age” stroke, murder, accidents, suicide, and euthanasia. Death is a taboo subject in our culture, especially among the young (anyone under 60) who are bulletproof and blindered. However, as one grows older it becomes more of interest to know what is to come, not just the bad part, but how to approach that transition with as much dignity and meaning as possible. To quote brendaclews, “Life is not learning how to die. For the simple reason that one cannot die unless one has lived. Your death is proof that you lived. Nothing more.” However, Sherwin Nuland adds in the last paragraphs of his book:
“And so, if the classic image of dying with dignity must be modified or discarded, what is to be salvaged of our hope for the final memories we leave to those who love us? The dignity that we seek in dying must be found in the dignity with which we have lived our lives. The honesty and grace of the years of life that are ending is the real measure of how we die. It is not in the last weeks or days that we compose the message that will be remembered, but in all the decades that preceded them.”
Deep Thought: I remember the first time I ever went to the museum and saw the mummy. At first I was afraid of it. So, to get over my fear, I started pointing at the mummy and doing a funny little dance. But then I couldn’t stop doing the dance. Something made me dance faster and faster until finally I fell on the floor. Even then I couldn’t stop doing the dance. I flailed about helplessly, yelling some weird Egyptian words! Then I think I passed out, from hitting my head on the marble floor. Now, I’m happy to say, I’m no longer afraid of the mummy, mainly because I don’t go there anymore.
Today I am grateful for: Foresight
Guess the Movie: “Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There’s no escape. I’m God’s lonely man.” Answer: Taxi Driver, 1976.
Polls Today: Kerry 247/Bush 285. EVP: “Don’t like Bush or Kerry or Nader or Badnarik or Cobb or any of the others? Maybe YOU should be president. Simcountry is a multiplayer Internet game in which you are the president, commander in chief and industrial leader. You decide how to allocate the federal budget, which products to manufacture, where to build schools and infrastructure, and which countries you want to invade. If you can beat the other presidents, you can win cash awards.Playing the game is free, but be warned, it is addictive.”
End of Day: 8:58 pm
+ = Watched an exquisite video today – Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter – and Spring – out now at your local video store.
- = Had to deal with slimy bank brokers today and just felt awful afterwards like I’d swallowed a big barrel of toxic poison.
Comments (14)
Hmmm…death. A subject that is all too familiar in my household the last 6 months. 6 deaths – my father, my great aunt (who said, “it shouldn’t be Bobby[my father] it should be me), my neighbor, my minister [he presided at my father's funeral] and his wife, and my husband’s uncle. 6 deaths in 6 six months. There is no dignity in death in just plain sucks.
Lionne, this is a beautiful post, and I’m glad my post was a springboard…I shall look up Nuland…also I mentioned The Grace in Dying in a comment which I’ll get later for you… I’ve made the post private, a little skittish with my temp agency, who did get my blog address in the first resume… so I don’t know if the post will show if anyone clicks on it, it might! xoxo
This is the link directly to the post, which is now private, but which I think can still work …try pasting this brendaclews
Or delete it!
http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?user=brendaclews&tab=weblogs&uid=148602952
I didn’t start thinking about dying until my grandson died before he had much time to live. And then, I thought more about the other death, the death of such a large piece of my daughter, than I did the death of Josh.
As I age, though, I think more and more on this …………..
Have you seen that show on A & E called Family Plots? About a funeral home. I can’t watch it, just becaue of recent events, but I have been curious about that sort of thing. I know death isn’t supposed to be easily dealt with, but it sure seems to be getting harder with time instead of easier.
I wasn’t afraid to die until last week when I realized that NO ONE loves my 5 year old the way I do.
Now I’m terrified that I’ll die before I’m able to drill into her that she is totally awesome and no matter what anyone says, she can do anything she puts her mind to.
powerful words…
This was a wonderful blog… I definitely wouldn’t have skipped over this one for the world.
excellent stuff that’s taken me all day to respond to, so maybe I’ll just say “it made me think a lot” which is the greatest thing, add “thanks,” and leave it at that.
Many people in my family have died from various causes, mostly from cancer. I have watched many of them wither away gradually, but the only person I was with at the time of her death was my Mother, who had breast cancer. They had operated, were going to remove a lung, but it was too late. They sewed her up and sent her home, but she was never the same. I was there went she went in. I was with her as much as possible in short time she had left after that. I was there when she drew her last breath.
She knew she was dying, and enjoyed planning everything, although I could not handle it.
I’ll have to hook you up with some older stuff. There’s lots of swimming stuff. That water is my central metaphor is no accident.
at my house death seems as ordinary as the changing of season i can say my GODS son & I are always shocked & shaken but over the years of our collective journeys have learned to cope he has seen PLOTS before & 6 ft under all too closely silly me i am still under the illusion one can heal from just about any thing i am working on that thank u for ur
posting bless u beck on call
Hmmm. Well. About a month following my husband’s death (who died from a lingering illness not mentioned above) I went to work in a funeral home and even seriously considered for a while making a career as a funeral director (went to mortuary school and the whole nine yards for one semester). I spent a total of seven months in the industry. It was probably one of the strangest seven months of my life, but exceedingly edifying.
As you know, I deal with dying quite often. It is amazing to me that people do not think about these things before that “something” happens. Maybe, I just take it for granted that everyone should, since we nurses do. I dunno. And as your quote points out, it is the decades before, that count in the end.