August 26, 2004

• REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
  New York, NY
  

  CONVENTION SCHEDULE
  * 6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
  * 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance (twice)
  * 6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
  * 6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
  * 6:46 PM Seminar #1: “Getting your kid a military deferment”
  * 7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it’s what’s for dinner
  * 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
  * 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
  * 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: “The Homos are after
  your children”
  * 8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive
  rights (MEN only)
  * 8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The government of
  the future
  * 9:00 PM Condi Rice sings “Can’t Help Lovin’ That Man”
  * 9:10 PM EPA Address #2: “Trees: The real cause of
  forest fires”
  * 9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
  * 10:00 PM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
  * 10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: “Doublespeak made easy”
  * 10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and
  talk macho
  * 10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark “deer in
  headlights” stare
  * 10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory
  Kevlar chastity belt *
  * 10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of Black
  Republicans
  * 10:46 PM Seminar #3: “Education: a drain on our
  nation’s economy.”
  * 11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Pinata
  * 11:20 PM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft:
  “Evolutionists: The dangerous new cult”
  * 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
  * 11:35 PM Blame Clinton
  * 11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
  * 11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
  * 12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy
  Supreme Planetary Overlord

  • 2:10 pm
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