March 11, 2004
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Thought I would post this piece written by my very bright daughter. It might be controversial subject matter, but it’s obviously very current and time we all talked about it. Visit her at turtle_dove
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Ok, I’m Gonna Weigh In
On the Gay Thing:
I never watch TV or the news, so I was behind, but last night I caught 60 minutes and saw the governor of San Francisco being interviewed about the whole deal with his granting gay marriages. Ok, here’s my 2 cents. First off, I was born in SF (Haight Ashbury to be exact). I am the child of a liberal hippy. So you can see where this is going. Yay team! I am thrilled that a straight man in power decided to rule in against discrimination.
Ok, that being said, I had a very interesting conversation with D. about the whole thing. Now this is a man with almost the opposite view, but we were able to talk and completely avoid any argument, just explore the issue. Very good deal. Well, we discussed a side issue which has to do with our cultural expectations about gender.
What I find to be very interesting is how threatening it is to people — probably due to socialization — when people do not exhibit their expected sex/gender characteristics. If a man is too effeminate or a woman is too masculine, androgynous or non-descript, people get upset. Now, this is something I don’t intrinsically understand, because I have to admit that I love it. Gender play to me is awesome. But maybe I was never really indoctrinated into the rules.
After all, hippies wore long hair. While sexism did continue to prevail in the actual era of the 60s, even within hippy circles, men were busting out and exploring more feminine expressions of beauty. Hey, don’t even get me started on Glam Rock. But as you can see, I grew up in a subculture that wasn’t hung up on men wearing the pants and women putting on tons of lipstick. So maybe I’m biased, or maybe I’m a bit more free.
But back to why gays threaten people….? First off, I need to mention that I think it’s often overlooked how much diversity there is in the gay population. (And I’m not even addressing bisexuality – yet). People tend to think of gays in terms of stereotypes and extremes. When they say they are upset by the gay lifestyle and it’s outward visual expression, they’re generally talking about men who use a higher pitched voice, a limp and flamboyant wrist style, and more sensual attire, and women who cut their hair so as not to look overly feminine and wear very drab, boring, masculine clothing.
But what about lipstick lesbians and very butch gay men? And what about all the gay people you know (whether you know they are or not) who seem to be just like any other run of the mill heterosexual (no affect at all). Just throwing out there that there is such a range within the gay subcommunity, just like there is within the straight.
In other words, these women refuse to adorn themselves for the pleasure of men, and these particular men refuse to defend their masculinity in a display of testosterone. I think that’s what pisses people off, or disturbs them. Hey, they’re not playing by the rules! Coach, take ‘em outta the game.
And it’s disturbing to some people to have attention drawn to these rules. It’s a given that most prejudice is founded on some amount of fear of difference. I think people are threatened to be made aware, even at a subconscious level, that to some degree their prized masculinity or feminity was socialized and not inherent. And therefore, perhaps they might be at risk to lose it? Dunno. Why it’s such a big farkin’ deal to be accused of being a “fag” in high school I will never know. I truly don’t understand it. All I know is there is some primal urge to wage violence over the issue, even in children (adolescents). That is truly sad to me.
People are given the heebie-jeebies sometimes when they begin to realize that we all have masculine and feminine within us. We are souls, not tied to our body’s gender. We have so much within us that can be expressed, irrespective of our hormones and genitalia. I find that diversity within to be one of the most rich sources of creativity, as do many, many others. I wish that joy and awe were more infectious, but clearly it’s not. Clearly, them’s fightin’ words. Sigh.
Ok, then I would be remiss not to mention the Kinsey research which postulated that heterosexuality and homosexuality might be two different continuum within people. You could be a little bit of both, and the ratio might not be connected. How straight you are and how open to being gay you are might not be contingent. I don’t know if I’m explaining that well, but what it means to me is that we may all be unaware of our bisexuality within. But that’s a whole ‘nother controversy.
Ciao for now.
Comments (8)
Just to be fair, the Kinsey research has been almost totally discredited. The methods were suspect, the sample size very small, and the results were altered to support pre-supposed ideas.
I’m pretty aware of what’s called a ”feminine side,” but that doesn’t make me bisexual; I don’t subscribe to the idea that certain traits are “owned” by one gender or another. I think that’s the oldest, most outdated form of sexism in our society.
That being said, in my opinion, same-sex marriage is a bad idea.
–Scott
Another oof.
Yeah, your very bright daughter!
I’m still hung up (and keep saying this, so maybe I’ve said it here before) on the Bush/religious-right perception that marriage as it is currently practiced is something to hang a constitutional hat on. Hello? ~50% of them fail, and we think this is the Way To Be Getting On? Stuff-n-nonsense.
One of the most committed couples I know is same-sex, and it appalls me to think that their son, the same age as my daughter, has to live with such social sigma just because his loving parents are mom-mom.
I think it is a good point that people get upset when they face indistinct, or purposely cross-purpose, gender definitions. And men seem much more hung up on male-male bonds than women do about either.
[sigh]
That was a fantastic post! Well written, logically reasoned, with Life experince to back it up. That’s one of the best essays on that topic I’ve seen. As a straight woman who doesn’t use make-up, I’m well aware of the assumptions when one doesn’t fit the stereotypical image of feminitity, this is an offshoot of this argument that is rarely commented on. Kudos to your daughter & good job at raising such an enlightened citizen of the world.
Oh and Good Luck with your test on Friday.
Well written! I did a post a few days ago on the big ado being made on the gay marriages – I just get irritated because there is so much more going on in the world that is actually important and life threatening – gay marriages arent killing people you know? Ah well – very good post!
C~
“We are souls, not tied to our body’s gender. We have so much within us that can be expressed, irrespective of our hormones and genitalia.” I think there’s a long continuum of expressions from super masculine to ultra feminine. I guess we all fall somewhere on the continuum. That being said, I don’t fear people different from myself, but neither can I throw away things I consider sacred or dispense with thousands of years of culture and tradition.
very well written.