MONDAY READING
Hope everyone is having a holiday that fits them warmly and well.
Here are two items sent to me over the past week that toast the
season. Click here and you’ll find a link for Christmas
music among others. And here’s one called Totally Politically
Correct, which if you’ve ever worked in an office anywhere at this time
of year you can relate to:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll
have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along.
And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to
make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is
only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that
time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The
same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for
you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person
asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*cking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The F*cking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pr*cks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so
quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*cking salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them
scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
die,
The B*tch from H*LL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone
the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Deep Thought: “I
think there should be something in science called the “reindeer
effect.” I don’t know what it would be, but I think it’d be good to
hear someone say, “Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example
of the reindeer effect.”
Today I am grateful for: Senior discounts
Guess the Movie: “Dare we
dream of a golden day when the bestial War shall rule no more. But
instead – the gentle Prince in the Hall of Brotherly Love in the City
of Peace.” Answer: The Birth of a Nation, 1915.
Winner: thenarrator.
Es-Ka-LAY-Shun
by Christopher Hayes
Say it: escalation. More and more that’s what the geniuses in
Washington have come up with as a way of ending the war in Iraq.
Instead of calling it an escalation of the war, they are using the
military term of art, “surge.” Ok, fine. Surge, escalation, “reset”,
call it what you will. The fact is that the American people voted in
November to end the war in Iraq, and the White House has demonstrated
that, kabuki-style consultations to the contrary, it just doesn’t
care. (Rest of article here.)
Recent Comments