December 25, 2006

• MONDAY READING

  Hope everyone is having a holiday that fits them warmly and well. 
  Here are two items sent to me over the past week that toast the
  season.  Click here and you’ll find a link for Christmas
  music among others.  And here’s one called Totally Politically
  Correct, which if you’ve ever worked in an office anywhere at this time
  of year you can relate to:

  FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
  
  TO:         All Employees
  
  DATE:    October 01, 2003
  
  RE:         Christmas Party
  
  I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
  place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
  the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll
  have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along.
  And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
  Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees
  can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to
  make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is
  only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that
  time!
  Merry Christmas to you and your family.
  Patty

  FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
  
  TO:         All Employees
  
  DATE:    October 02, 2003
  
  RE:         Holiday Party
  In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
  employees.  We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
  which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
  year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The
  same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or
  those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
  tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of
  music for your enjoyment.
  Happy now?
  Happy Holidays to you and your family.
  Patty

  FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
  
  TO:        All Employees
  
  DATE:   October 03, 2003
  
  RE:        Holiday Party
  Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
  requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m
  happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
  reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
  to handle this?
  Somebody?
  Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
  the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
  believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
  NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

  FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
  
  To:        All Employees
  
  DATE:   October 04, 2003
  
  RE:        Holiday Party
  What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
  Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
  daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
  a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
  employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving
  your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for
  you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
  Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
  from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
  to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
  not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
  there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person
  asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We
  will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
  available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
  food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
  first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
  restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
  Did I miss anything?!?!?
  Patty

  FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
  
  TO:         All F*cking Employees
  
  DATE:    October  05, 2003
  
  RE:         The F*cking Holiday Party
  Vegetarian pr*cks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep
  this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
  sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so
  quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*cking salad bar, including
  organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
  scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them
  scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
  die,
  The B*tch from H*LL!!!!!!!!

  FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
  
  DATE:   October  06, 2003
  
  RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
  I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
  and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
  management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone
  the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
  

  ---

  Deep Thought:   “I
  think there should be something in science called the “reindeer
  effect.” I don’t know what it would be, but I think it’d be good to
  hear someone say, “Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example
  of the reindeer effect.”
  Today I am grateful for:  Senior discounts
  Guess the Movie:  “Dare we
  dream of a golden day when the bestial War shall rule no more. But
  instead – the gentle Prince in the Hall of Brotherly Love in the City
  of Peace.”  Answer:  The Birth of a Nation, 1915.  Winner:  thenarrator.
  Es-Ka-LAY-Shun
  
  by Christopher Hayes
  Say it: escalation. More and more that’s what the geniuses in
  Washington have come up with as a way of ending the war in Iraq.
  Instead of calling it an escalation of the war, they are using the
  military term of art, “surge.” Ok, fine. Surge, escalation, “reset”,
  call it what you will. The fact is that the American people voted in
  November to end the war in Iraq, and the White House has demonstrated
  that, kabuki-style consultations to the contrary, it just doesn’t
  care.  (Rest of article here.)

  • 8:44 am
  • 24 Comments