Grace and Grit (cont.)

Posting this tonight since I’ll be gone all day tomorrow taking the Amtrak on a trip to Astoria via the Lewis & Clark route.

When Ken and Treya Wilber first began to deal with her illness, they dug through literature to collect whatever facts they could depend upon, and they discovered there were many ways that our cultures and subcultures deal with the sickness of cancer:

(paraphrasing)
1. Christian – Illness is punishment for sin.
2. New Age – Illness is a lesson to learn from and mind alone causes and can cure it.
3. Medical – Illness is a biophysical disorder. Alternative treatments may prevent you from getting the proper medical attention.
4. Karma – Illness is result of negative karma. It is good in the sense that it purges past misdeeds.
5. Psychological – Repressed emotions cause illness. Illness as death wish.
6. Gnostic – Illness is illusion. Spirit is the only reality and in Spirit there is no illness.
7. Existential – Illness itself is without meaning. It can take any meaning I choose to give it.
8. Holistic – Illness if product of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual factors, none of which can be ignored. Treatment must involve all these dimensions.
9. Magical – Illness is retribution. “If too many good things happen to me, something bad has to happen”, etc.
10. Buddhist – Illness is an inescapable part of the manifest world. Only in enlightenment is illness finally transcended.
11. Scientific – Ilness has a specific cause or cluster of causes. Some are determined, some are random. There is only chance or necessity.
On some level, we all go through this questioning even about minor illnesses. It’s amazing how we are affected by what the world around us tells us about it. I guess I would fall in the holistic group more than of the others.

Deep Thought: A lot of times when you first start out on a project you think, This is never going to be finished. But then it is, and you think, Wow, it wasn’t even worth it.
Today I am grateful for: Subtitles

THINGS THAT REFRESH MY SOUL
(Previous segments see sidebar)

Xanthin

Okay, it’s a stretch but there are only two pages of words that start with X in the dictionary. It’s a part of the yellow coloring in flowers and plants. I’ve always loved yellow. Daffodils, sun-moon-stars-planets, fall leaves, legal pads, tabby cats, fire, baby chicks, roses. So here’s a yellow poem:

Yellow trees are at the end
of what I see when
I look back into my eyes
and even further where
I speak in leaves and whisper
there is just the sound
the sound of yellow.
Slow among the trees I lie
my fingers helpless
in the grass
for at the other end of sunlight
from the sun I am newborn
the cord uncut.
_____
Deep Thought: Instead of putting a quarter under a kid’s pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that “wishing” isn’t going to save our national forests.
Today I am grateful for: Cheese
End of Day – 7:42 pm (closing this one out early cuz I have to post tomorrow’s entry tonight.)
+ = Beautiful rainy day all day. Everything breathed in.
- = Watched a woman Olympic marathon runner give up in exhaustion just before the finish. She’d been in the front of the pack all the way (26 miles or some damn distance like that). It was very sad.

You Begin

You begin this way:
this is your hand,
this is your eye,
that is a fish, blue and flat
on the paper, almost
the shape of an eye.
This is your mouth, this is an O
or a moon, whichever
you like. This is yellow.

It begins, it has an end,
this is what you will
come back to, this is your hand.

I thought I would start posting a poem that inspires me on Saturdays and why. This one is by Margaret Atwood (1978). For me, it speaks to the act of writing, which on some days can seem complex and overwhelming, even to the born writer, but on others is as simple as “this is your hand” – begin. It makes the urge seem warm and pure and right.
Deep Thought: Just because swans mate for life, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. First of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you’ve got so why not mate for life.
Today I am grateful for: Anthologies
End of Day – 9:12 pm
+ = It rained a wonderful fresh dust-dispelling rain this evening.
- = What is it with these Swift Boat people – as if I didn’t know.

Friday Fiver

1. Describe one thought currently on your mind:
My right cheek is still swollen since Wednesday’s root canal escapade. I really really really don’t want to have to call the dentist today and deal with this any more. Stay tuned.
2. List two things in your bedroom:
A big copy of this photo of me and my grandson. And a big shelf I put together myself full of all my projects including the boxes of photos and letters I’m currently pouring through to write Chapter 7 of my story.
3. Name three songs that you like:
Dimming of the Day, anything by Kasey Chambers, and Let It Be.
4. What are four sounds that you can hear right now?
The Mac motor, the box fan in the living room by the open front door trying to cool the house down past the currently 76 degrees, a Norah Jones song in my head, and the sound of the keys as I type this. Hey, it’s only 6:52 a.m.
5. Name five things (or issues) that make you mad:
The powerlessness of being in the dentist’s office, Bill O’Reilly and his ilk, being asked how I am when the only answer wanted is “fine”, garden slugs, and anything about war (and isn’t that ironic?).
Deep Thought: Probably one of the main problems with owning a robot is when you want him to go out in the snow to get the paper, he doesn’t want to go because it’s so cold, so you have to get out your whip and start whipping him, and the kids start crying, and oh why did I ever get this stupid robot?
Today I am grateful for: Ibuprophen and refrigerator icepacks
End of Day – 9:18 pm
+ = Face better. No dentist.
- = Last hot day for a spell, I think. I hope.

Namaste

How can I see you if I cannot rein my ego back? Salute from the god in me to the god in you.

Deep Thought: I’d like to see a movie where a guy is going to die when the sand runs out of an hourglass, but then at the last minute an ant stops the sand from running out. Then the rest of the movie is about the ant.
Today I am grateful for: The first moment of the rest of my life
+ = Oregon had an earthquake today and it was at the coast, not in Portland.
- = I’m so totally not prepared for an earthquake.

BUMMER DAY

No poems or politics, philosophy or pondering today. Just a big whimper. This morning at 8:45 I see the eye doctor, which thankfully is just a walk from my office at work. This is because for upwards of a month now I’ve had a “floater” – a speck of lint thing in my right eye that tracks with eye movement plus little flashes of light in even semidarkness out of the corners of my eyes. I now find out by looking it up on the net that put these two symptoms together and you’ve likedly got DETACHED RETINA which most probably requires surgery to reattach it and has the best chance if you arrive within 24 hours at your ophthalmologist’s office after the symptoms appear. Who knew? Then, guess what, detached retina can lead to MACULAR DEGENERATION or LEGAL BLINDNESS, a degeneration of the eyes related to aging and often running in families. And guess what, I had a grandfather who went blind and an aunt who always wore dark glasses. I never heard the term macular degeneration about either of them, but then I wasn’t listening either at the time.

As if that wasn’t enough, at 2:00 I get to have the first of two ROOT CANALS in an upper right tooth. Despite the fact that I’ve had very regular dental care for years now, the dentist I go to didn’t catch that this abscess was apparently developing for “maybe a year now”, though without any symptoms until the past 2 weeks when I suddenly felt tenderness in my right cheek when I pressed on it. No toothache mind you. I went to the dentist last Thursday and he x-rayed and said abscesses in two side-by-side teeth and root canals for both and replace the crown on one. He looked at me with a mournful look as though he thought I would throw a giant fit. He doesn’t know how much dental stuff I’ve already been through in my life. So the airheads at the desk tried to book me for an appointment on September 21. I tried not to snap at them as I said “do you think that might be a little long for abscesses?” So they moved it up to 3 weeks out. Then yesterday as my face started to swell and turn numb (I’m sure whatever is in there growing is pressing on nerves) I called and insisted on antibiotics and they got me an appointment today. What I really fear is that I don’t know this dentist well. He strikes me as one of the ham-handed types who won’t be gentle. I just hope he isn’t pull-happy because that IS what will freak me totally out. I’d almost rather be guillotined than have a tooth pulled again.

So I’m heading off to work now. No point staying home moping when I have plenty of energy anyway and no fever for some strange reason. I’ll check in later after my appointments. If you don’t hear from me at all it’s because something hideous happened, but I’m sure it won’t. Well, not hideous enough to keep me from getting home tonight sooner or later. I’ll report after the first appointment.
Update 10:24 am - GOOD NEWS! I don’t have retinal detachment. They dilated my eyes and took a thorough look. I do have some floaters and vitreous detachment (which he said almost everybody my age gets) but unless I get gobs more floaters or start getting other radical vision changes, I’m okay for now anyway. He said the flashers are associated with the beginning of vitreous detachment and usually go away after a month or so. Floaters stick around but people usually just get used to them. Which is just fine by me.
Update 5:03 pm – Thank god that’s over for today. The injection part went fine at the beginning but then the dentist had trouble with the first root canal (he decided to do both) and had to hang it up and refer it to a specialist. It took him a Really Long Time to do the second one but he said it was the one causing my face to swell up so I hope he’s right. In the chair 2.5 hours. But at least he didn’t accidentally stab me or chop my head off so I think I came out ahead. Thanks everyone for your kind words. You cannot believe how much it helped.
Deep Thought: One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
Today I am grateful for: Having a few shreds of courage to muster

Moore to Release ’9/11′ DVD on Oct. 5
Mon Aug 16, 4:59 PM ET
LOS ANGELES – President Bush (news – web sites) will face a home-video barrage four weeks before the election: “Fahrenheit 9/11,” Michael Moore’s assault on Bush’s handling of the Sept. 11 attacks, debuts on DVD and videotape Oct. 5.
The announcement Monday confirmed Moore’s initial intention to have the film out shortly before Election Day, a time frame the director favored since May’s Cannes Film Festival (news – web sites), where “Fahrenheit 9/11″ won the top honor.
After the movie debuted to record box-office numbers for a documentary, distributor Lions Gate had indicated the movie might continue playing theatrically through the end of the year, potentially delaying the home-video release.

For more of article click here.  Be sure and watch the slideshow.

 Deep Thought:  I think my favorite monster movie is Gone With the Wind, because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.
Today I am grateful for:  Having a life
End of Day – 8:31 pm
+ = Persuaded dentist to start on root canals tomorrow and start me on penicillin today..
- = Have to have root canal tomorrow. Plus appointment to find out why my right eye is full of flashes and floaters. Stay tuned.

Grace and Grit – by Ken Wilber (cont.)

When Ken and Treya Wilber began to deal with her diagnosis of cancer they discovered the difference between illness and sickness and how society reacts. To quote KW: The National Cancer Association claims in its national advertising that “half of all cancers are now curable.” Fact: In the last 40 years there has been no significant increase whatsoever in the average survival rates of cancer patients–despite the much vaunted “war on cancer” and the introduction of more sophisticated radiation techniques, chemotherapies, and surgeries. The one happy exception is the blood cancers–Hodgkin’s and leukemia–which respond well to chemotherapy. The pathetic 2% or so increase in survival rates for the remaining cancers are due almost entirely to early detection, the rest of the cancer rates have not budged an inch, literally.) And as for breast cancer, the survival rates have actually gone down! Treya Wilber’s doctor told her: It’s as if, when a cancer cell enters your body, it has a date written on it (that is, the date you will die). We can sometimes extend the disease-free interval, but we can’t change that date. KW continues: So what’s a typical doctor to do? Since he can’t really control the illness, he attempts to control the sickness….by prescribing a certain way that the patient should think about the cancer, namely that the disease is an entity that the doctor understands and that the doctor can medically treat, and that other approaches are useless or even harmful. In practice, this means that the doctor will sometimes prescribe chemotherapy even when he knows it won’t work.
Pretty inflammatory ideas, eh? Tune in next week for more of Ken and Treya’s journey. And bear in mind that the book was published in 1993 and that their fight against her cancer began in 1983.
Deep Thought: When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.
Today I am grateful for: 10-15 degrees cooler weather
End of Day – 9:18 pm
+ = Got some encouragement from one of the doctors I work with to see if I can get the root canal appointment(s) moved up sooner. Will try tomorrow.
- = Hideously humid stick-to-your-clothes weather today.

THINGS THAT REFRESH MY SOUL

Water

Colorless, odorless, tasteless more-or-less, water is a taken-for-granted background to daily life. Interestingly, our bodies are made up of a majority of it and we can only live so long without it. Where do we go to seek spiritual relief – the pilgrim to the sea, the fisherman to the river, the hermit to the lake. In one Sunday at home, I water my garden, fill the bird baths, make morning coffee, do a laundry and the dishes, flush the toilet, soak in a morning bath while reading my latest book, wash down the daily vitamin supplements, fill the water dish for my cats, and water the household plants. And on the news I see how in Florida, at the same time as it supports the Florida water lily (see photo), water is killing humans and destroying their homes. The same water that is home for all the seafood we eat can rage through a section of country and flatten everything in its path. Dripping one drip at a time it can torture a confession out of the most stubborn criminal. Frozen it can sink the Titanic. It can put out fires and drown a child on the same day. Civilization has developed to the point where we now have to buy bottled water because we can’t trust just plain tap water. Our waterways are increasingly polluted. However this earth was created, it would seem that water was a necessary ingredient. In late summer in Oregon, my lawn has turned brown from lack of it, but soon – within weeks – it will return and I will wake once more to the gentle sound of it on my roof and be refreshed.
(See sidebar for other segments.)
Deep Thought: They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this: “I am a fake mountain.”
Today I am grateful for: Garden hoses
End of Day: 9:11 pm
+ = My teeth that are waiting to be root canaled didn’t bother me much at all today. I also discovered zinc is good for abscesses of any kind so I got some extra at the store.
- = There are about 40 pears waiting for me to pick them up in the back yard. Bending from the waist over and over and over is not one of my favorite garden tasks.

Kill Bill 2

I have to say this has been a summer of discontent for me at the box office and the video store (in general). And for someone who generally abhors violence, I had to be down to the dregs to rent Kill Bill 2, but now I have to say it was – for its genre (which I guess should be called tarantino) – exquisite. For starters, Quentin T seems to have a genius for giving Killer Parts to faded has-been actors, thereby restoring them to popularity. In this case, David Carradine and Darryl Hannah were class acts. I always liked them both in the past and I hope they get the same mileage out of this that Travolta did out of Pulp Fiction. The camerawork was superb – beautiful lighting, scenery, etc. The fight choreography was to die for. And the moments of just plain over-the-top pissed-off assassination determination were splendid. Perhaps my favorite touch was the way B’s mentor in the martial arts would flip his white beard delicately to the left when he was pleased. Another was the idea of the 5-pressure-point stab which causes the heart to explode method of mayhem. Now this would be my weapon of choice far and away. Or how about the busting out of the coffin buried underground scene? Oh my god. So now I’ll say the requisite mea culpas for watching and wait with great interest to see what QT has up his sleeve next.
Deep Thought: It’s too bad cowboys didn’t eat much pizza back in the Old West, because I think a good painting would be a cowboy giving his last slice to his horse.
Today I am grateful for: Toenail clippers