October 22, 2003

• CAT DIET

  
  

  Lose Weight by Eating Like a CAT!

  
  

  
  

  DAY ONE

  
  

  Breakfast: Open one small can of expensive gourmet cat food – any flavor will do so long as it cost more than a dollar a can. Empty contents of the can onto your plate. Eat two small bites of food. Look around the room disdainfully, then knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into the other room.

  
  

  Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

  
  

  Dinner: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken or other meat and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa.

  
  

  Bedtime Snack: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

  DAY TWO

  
  

  Breakfast: Find the remaining chicken bite on the sofa. Eat a small piece of it, then knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse tries to read it.

  
  

  Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Take another small bite from another part of the loaf, go into the bedroom, and spit it out on the pillow.

  
  

  Snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

  
  

  Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food – tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

  DAY THREE

  
  

  Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the table and any nearby appliances.

  
  

  Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

  
  

  Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks, and then turn the bowl over on the floor. Nibble at the remains of the cat food in last night’s bowl.

  DAY FOUR

  
  

  Breakfast: Eat six bugs of any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all the water up on your spouse’s side of the bed.

  • 10:03 am
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